The Big Bang of what would follow took place one of the first mornings of April 2016.
First, a question struck me:
Where was the person I knew, me, who in the past had dared, had achieved, had failed and stood on her feet again and who had looked her worst fears in the eyes and had marched against them?
That person was still there inside me and I had to honor her!
Immediately after that, the simplest insight of many months came to surface:
If it is possible to arrange all these things in my mind and if I find myself ready to move in case I had a job, then I can go, no matter what.
Suddenly, all needed powers proved to be inherent to my decision, including that against my own fears.
And suddenly my home was adored but outdated, if not a limitation.
My hard working became only the proof of my own strength and abilities and not something that had the right to keep me imprisoned – whatever we have inside does not fly away unless we renounce it.
My stuff, my beloved little or big things became just “things”; probably realized dreams of an earlier time but neither life itself, nor my masters. Seventy five boxes, all filled by my bare hands, together with furniture, were loaded on two tracks and where left (safely) behind.
My three suitcases (which at the airport increased to four plus a backpack) were all I took with me and served me fine for the first summer months. All the much too many arrangements, research, bureaucracy, schedule and execution of practical concerns were, after all, nothing but a “to do” list.
The answer for the job was negative but at that point it hardly had any weight.
When I announced “officially” my decision to my environment, masks fell.
Friends congratulated me, shared my happiness or cried.
I soothed the sadness with the belief that tried and true relations have the tendency to survive, same as everything.
I don’t claim that distance is not a problem (although I used the argument). Even if all the internet stuff and the telephones distract distances, the different experiences create a gap slowly.
Been there, lived that at some time.
It needs much devotion and love; that’s it.
Acquaintances highlighted the risks and difficulties of my decision, others expressed their understanding or admiration, a few mocked me while some of them looked at me with pity or “polite” astonishment when they learned that I had not found a job.
Certain family members stopped speaking to me and our communication was restored only after I made it obvious and clear, with all the calmness of my irrevocable decision, that psychological blackmail would not change my mind.
From early April until middle June everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) was organized and executed.
On 15th June, as you can see in About page, I flied to Paris and here I am, Thank God, until now.
Soon after my landing the city showed me its “teeth”. Since then I had the chance to see the difficult (hard as several people told me) side of Paris and to find out that impressions for a visitor are completely different from the everyday life.
The first months have been quite difficult but the treasure of my dream and the awareness of my “powers” offered me great support.
When there is no way back you find the strength to fight with what you have. Inventiveness is the child of necessity – well, one of them.
I share this story first because I feel like doing so and second because I see people doubt their will and dreams, their strength and abilities.
Even as the “new me” I recently found myself questioning my desires, craving relief from my own wishes and derailing to the unconscious path of defenses and safety.
As with great and genuine amours, I still love Paris despite its defects.
Life itself is both cruel and enjoyable, painful and fulfilling.
It’s up to us to make more or less out of it and it is love the element which makes it beautiful and worth living!
Humans are humans everywhere in the world; that’s certain.
If one is happy inside no matter how stagnant or repetitive the situations are, it’s OK!
If one is satisfied with false obligations and ancient commitments over soul calling, it’s OK – though not for a long period I have to warn them!
If one is not yet ready, it is OK too, as long as they do not attempt to confine their flame and potential.
Happiness and success is wherever heart is oriented.
To change for the sake of change is kind of paranoia.
Nevertheless, it is crucial to allow older choices and dreams go away if they do not fulfill but instead limit your soul.
Changing in order to follow your heart is the “holy grail” of a living person and of a vibrant spirit.
It arouses both obvious and well hidden fears.
It demands sacrifices. (For me it was my home and journalism, above all.)
It is also painful sometimes.
But after all, it’s a pity to suffocate a part of your personality and mutilate your prospect only for the sake of conformity or, worst of all, because you don’t believe in your strength and ability to accomplish!
There is only one way to self-fulfillment; our own!
That is my own road to Paris!
And I believe that while it is very personal at the same time it is also universal.